쉬운 목차
Relationship building is not easy.
And let’s face it.
It’s not everyday somebody hands you a jaw dropping opportunity.
In fact, you might think that big shots – the super rich, famous or smart – snatch up all that there is leaving you with none.
But I disagree.
What makes me so sure?
I am not rich, famous nor smart, but all the big achievements in my career, I achieved through opportunities I received through relationship building:
During my Junior year at university, my professor introduced me to the CEO office of a large Korean Conglomerate where I got my first full-time job … through relationship building.
A few yeras later, a friend from university reached out and asked if I wanted to work with him at a highly reputed IT firm in Japan … through relationship building.
A Forbes 30 under 30 alumni recently recommended me to the 2021 batch … through relationship building.
The board member of one of the largest IT companies in Korea contacted me to start a side hustle together … through relationship building.
Just imagine:
You can have opportunities rain down on you, fulfill your greatest ambitions, and reach your goals by mastering these relationship building tactics.
This post is not some inspirational warm TED talk to get you fired up.
Passion without action adds very little value to yourself and people around you.
You won’t build any meaningful relation that way.
So read with the intention of putting into practice some of the relationship building tactics below. You can do this.
Are you ready?
Let’s get started.
1. Relationship building starts with purpose
You need to provide significant value to somebody who is already successful or has high-potential if you want their attention.
If you are like me and are not born into money or fame, the only value you can provide is positive energy.
This might sound odd, but bare with me a moment.
Being full of positive energy can be compared to being a warm stove on a cold winter day – you will draw all sorts of people to you.
It is, however, difficult to be fired up without a purpose, so the best way to get your motor started is by giving yourself a purpose, a dream.
Build, build and build a bit more
A dream comes in many shapes and sizes.
What’s important is that it does not have to be big nor does it really need to make sense.
Your dream can be to build ontop of something that already exists or to create something the world has never seen.
For all that matters, everybody could laugh at you and call you an idiot for having such a dream.
Ignore your insecurities and specially don’t think what others think of you.
Tell the world to shut up and immerse yourself in your world.
Pay attention to nothing but your inner voice, double-down, and focus on planning, testing, building and improving.
That’s the key.
You must build.
By build I mean more doing and less talking.
Show with your result. That is the best way to make silent others who ever doubted you.
Are you afraid that you will feel alone facing your challenge?
There is absolutely no need to worry, but I will get to that point later in this blog.
Be on the right side of the fence
You can divide people into two categories: creators and consumers.
Creators are those who make things: content, movies, games, books, fashion, software and hardware.
Open your eyes and look around you. Everything that you see is made by a creator.
They add value and makes the world turn round and round.
Consumers are those who are mostly occupied with … well … consuming what has been made by the creators.
Think back to your life. Are you more of a creator or a consumer?
Fabulous opportunities come from relationship building with creators not consumers.
Ofcourse, this is not to say that consumption is evil.
Creators cannot create if there is nothing to benchmark.
See what Steve Jobs once said about creativity and making new things:
“Creativity is just connecting things. When you ask creative people how they did something, they feel a little guilty because they didn’t really do it, they just saw something. It seemed obvious to them after a while.”
Regardless, you must make the effort to allocate more time to creating than consuming.
Try consuming only if what you consume helps you create, not the other way around.
People with dreams attract other people with dreams
I’ll say this a million times and a million times more if I have to because this is the secret:
People with dreams attract other people with dreams.
This is the secret to great relationship building.
In other words, if you have a dream, you will be fired with energy, and that energy will draw others who have a dream.
What’s important is the energy, not the dream itself, that acts as social glue.
For example, your dream can be to make the best cafe in town while another person dreams of saving a billion lives from abject poverty.
The dream each person has is different, but I’d bet you anything that these two will click just fine.
What is truly amazing is that having a dream not only gives purpose and meaning to your life but also draws people with incredible potential.
A dobule whammy.
The people you will be attracting will mostly be creators and can be divided into two categories.
The first group of people are those who are living out their dreams right now. Usually young entrepreneurs who are looking to make a dent in the world.
The second group of people are those who already pursued their dreams and gained worldly riches and recognition. Think of Steve Jobs, Katy Perry, and Brad Pitt.
Those are two excellent groups of people to be around.
What if I don’t know what to pursue?
The reason you struggle to find your dream may be because you simply do not have enough experience to know what really excites you.
You think you know what you like and don’t like so you don’t take on new experiences because there is no guarantee that you will like it.
For those of you who feel this way, it is time to break out of your comfort zone and do things.
Life does not come on a silver platter.
If you want positive change in your life, you should spend more time exploring what is out there.
Note that our mind is incredibly flexible.
The more you become used to lunging yourself to new learning opportunities, experiences and feeling comfortable around strangers, the sooner you will be free from the idea you have of yourself.
You won’t have to put yourself in a box anymore.
You will have control over your mind, not the other way around.
The following are some ways you can roam around to explore:
- Learn something new that always interested you. Nothing stops you from learning coding even if you are a liberal arts major and nothing stops you from learning literature even if you are an engineer. Do whatever pulls you.
- Experience something that you would otherwise never do. It can be something as simple as reading and cooking to something more exotic such as joining a salsa club, filming, jumping off a plane or living alone in the woods for a month. Just get out there and start doing things.
- Talk to people who have nothing in common with you. Go up and talk to interesting people and learn something that you didn’t know.
If you continue to open yourself to new experiences, you will discover that you enjoy some activities more than others.
Buckle down on those that interest you most and try to be the best at it. Whatever it is.
Sooner or later you will come face to face with obstacles as you try to get better at it.
That could be the beginning of your dream.
Dare to challenge the status quo.
2. Always be around gritty smart people
A small warning
The decision to constantly surround yourself with gritty smart people might sound like a good idea.
But putting it in practice could be a whole different story.
This is because the decision implies not a shift in mindset but a completely new life-style.
It is a promise you make with yourself to never be satisfied with ‘normal’.
In some circumstances this will require you to break ties, or put on hold the relationship you have with some people who care for you an awful lot.
Spending more time on achieving your goal and surrounding yourself with gritty smart people means spending less time with those who you normally spend time with.
It may be your childhood friend.
It may even be your parents who want you to go down the ‘safe’ path and avoid risks.
Regardless, you should be strong and pursue what you have to.
If you are serious about relationship building that bring you opportunities, it is time to double down and focus.
Know that once you set on achieving your goal there is no turning back.
You need to be aware of what you are getting yourself into.
Qualities of purpose-driven people
People with dreams stand out because challenge the status quo.
This means they have to constantly overcome obstacles.
The only way to achieve this is by being gritty, smart and lucky.
Let me exaplain:
Gritty
You have no choice but to be gritty since you are doing something that many choose not to do.
Some might laugh at you or even frown at you but you have to keep your chin up.
You know the journey is tough but you go through it anyways.
How else could you not be gritty?
Smart
You have no choice but to be smart. You are tackling a problem with no easy solution.
The more you spend time understanding your problem, the better you will be at figuring out what works and what doesnt.
All that knowledge will inevitably make you smarter.
Lucky
Luck is something nobody can control It is not, however, something you are born with or not.
Though random at times, luck is mostly a byproduct of being gritty and smart.
Therefore, a person who is fully committed to her dream is almost always gritty, smart and has luck following her around.
This isn’t to say that these qualities are pre-requisites to having a dream.
In fact, you can be lazy, dull and unlucky for all that matters at the time you first latch onto a dream.
In the process of reaching out to your dream, however, you will inevitably gain these qualities.
Following the same logic, if you ever come across a person who has been chasing a big dream for quite some time but does not show these qualities, it would be fair to question their level of dedication.
Getting in the inner circle
Smart and gritty people tend to hang out with others who are like them. They are drawn to the positive energy other talented people emit.
You can be aroud purpose-driven people even though you don’t have a clear goal yourself.
Relationship building can be done as long as you convey the same level of energy and are on the active pursuit for your purpose.
Once you are in their midst, you will soon find yourself being invited to interesting meet-ups, luncheons and parties.
Some of these people might be just a bunch of idiots with big mouths parading their goals, but others will actually achieve their dream and appear on the front cover of Forbes and Time Magazine.
Being around people with high potential will inspire you to set higher standards.
You will have friends to talk to and share your experience, your challenges and triumph.
You will have no time to be lonely and feel right at home.
The next step
Being around high potential people, however, does not mean you automatically have access to their time or their talent.
If you would like to someday reach out to them for help, you need to provide value in addition to your positive energy.
You need to bring relationship building to the next level.
The best value you can provide is being good at problem solving and helping them be one step closer to their goal.
That is exactly what Sam Altman, former CEO of Y-Combinator, did in his early 20s which eventually led him to land huge investment gains.
If you want to know more on problem solving you can click here for the ultimate guide or read the digest version here.
3. Have the guts to reach out
Never forget:
People are people
Relationship building with your heroes is not easy.
By heroes I mean people who are outside your circle, and will never be part of your circle unless you pursuade them into thinking that you are worth their time.
These are high-profile people, big-shots who you see in the media.
Now, you might think you have nothing valuable to give. Atleast, not something these people would appreciate.
I disagree.
There is one thing you should know about people and it is that they are just humans like you and me.
This is important for you to understand because humans have similar needs, and there is a particular need that everybody craves nomatter how successful they already are.
But before we get there, let’s understand the complete list of needs that people have.
They are well summarized in Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs:
Physiological
These are needs such as breathing, food, water, sex, sleep and excretion.
They are the very basic needs for human survival.
Though many enjoy indulging in some of these activities beyond what is necessary for survival (eg. food, sleep and sex)
Safety
These are needs such as security of body, of employment, of resources, of the family, of faith, and of property.
It refers to the peace-of-mind knowing that the world won’t come crashing down on us any time soon.
Love/belonging
These are needs such as friendship, family, and sexual intimacy.
It is to know that they are loved and cared for.
For example, the comfort of knowing we will be ok when we are sick because there is somebody who would care for our health and make sure we get better.
Esteem
These are needs such as self-esteem, confidence, achievement, respect for others, and respect by others.
It is the need for validation and recognition for one’s achievement.
It is that soft glow of confidence when somebody knows they are valuable.
Self-actualization
These are needs such as morality, creativity, problem solving, lack of prejudice, and acceptance of fact.
It refers to maximizing one’s true potential and becoming the best at whatever you do.
It is at the peak of the pyramid and is a need that not many are capable of experiencing.
EVERYTHING a person does finds its roots in one of these 5 needs.
Then, which one of these needs do you think even high-profile people crave?
A person’s name is to that person the sweetest sound
It is the need for esteem and be recognized.
People love talking about themselves.
This is backed by Dale Carnegie who wrote “How to make friends and influence people”.
In it he presents the 6 ways to make people like you:
- Smile more
- Remember the other person’s name
- Let other person do the talking
- Focus the conversation topic on what the other person wants to talk about
- Have the other person feel aweseme
- Concentrate on the conversation
If you would like to see a silly video of me covering these 6 things in greater detail.
I even added an example of me trying it out to a real-estate lady. You won’t believe what happened…
The best way to have other people like you is having him feel recognized.
You might think somebody already famous has all the recognition they would ever need, but that’s not completely true.
Giving recognition is an art.
It is an art because you can’t be direct. You must be subtle.
The moment you come across as a flaunty big-mouth it’s game over.
I will get more into this in the final part of this blog so stay tuned! Or if you’re impatient like me, click here and skip to this part (link)
Now that we understand the value we can provide to high profile people, let’s see how we can lure them out of their castles and make time for us.
1. Identify your heroes
First step is to understand who your hero is.
Heroes can be somebody you simply like, somebody who shares your vision, somebody who could provide you with great insight, or somebody who could help you advance your own goals.
Usually, you can categories them into 3 groups:
- Those who are preparing to pursue a similar goal
- Those who are currently pursuing a similar goal
- Those who already accomplished a similar goal
Once you have a clear goal, the only thing you need to do is to search on google for people who rank high for each one of these categories.
Once you have identified the people you want to know better, next step is to build a relation with them.
2. Build a relation
There are many ways you can build a relation.
Unfortunately it is near impossible to meet them in an offline setting. Why?
- You would never be invited to a luncheon or a party of such class
- Even if you do meet them, say, at a party, there is not a single reason why he or she would find you interesting
This leaves you with no option other than to engage through online platforms.
Which platform I hear you say?
It is not a matter of personal preference.
You should choose the platform where your heroes are most active on.
In my case that was Facebook.
There are a few reasons why I think facebook is better than other platforms for relationship building.
But it may be that your heroes are more active on other social platforms such as twitter, instagram or reddit.
Now that you’ve identified your communication channel, next step is to engage.
The information below is mostly on engaging through Facebook but the same principles can be applied to other social platforms.
I will go from easy and less impactful to challenging with better upside.
1. Add them as friends
If they cannot accept more friend request, just follow them.
2. Add / follow their friends
The great thing about Facebook is it automatically starts suggesting friends similar to the person you last sent a friend request.
Add those suggested friends as well though their background may not serve your purpose.
There are 2 reasons for this:
- If your hero ever decides to click on your profile, he will see the many mutual friends which will automatically create a layer of trust allowing him to feel more comfortable with you.
- Even though the people you’ve added does not share your same interest, they are friends of your hero. It means that they are most likely high-achievers themselves. It is never a bad thing to have access to such people. Plus, you will learn something new if they ever write a post.
3. Read and engage with your hero’s content
Read your hero’s post and engage with it.
Share your thoughts on the piece or simply say how much you enjoyed reading it.
Note that you don’t want to come off as a stalker so keep the comments brief and to the point.
Also, don’t comment too often because that will make you look creepy.
Keep a safe distance and engage at your own discretion.
4.1. Create your own content
Personally, I find this the most fruitful.
It is to get known by creating insightful content your hero would find entertaining.
There is something called the 1-9-90 rule:
One creator,
9 comments,
90 likes.
It means that for every 1 creator who uploads content, there are 9 people who comment and 90 people who passively engage through likes.
In other words, only a few people usually upload content on social platforms.
So, if you are that one person who consistently uploads good content, your hero will come across it sooner or later.
After you share a post, see if you were able to bait your hero’s ‘like’.
This may sound trivial but having their ‘like’ is a huge win.
The chances he will ignore your Facebook message or cold email will be close to 0 at this point since it means that he went through the trouble to read your post and like it.
It is a passive sort of relationship building but one that works.
4.2. What content would my hero enjoy seeing?
You might be wondering what content you could possibly share to capture the attention of somebody really busy.
This isn’t as hard as you would imagine.
First step would be to check your hero’s wall and see what posts he recently uploaded, shared, or liked.
Research the topic if you have to, add your two-cents and upload it on your wall.
Rather than uploading random content, focusing on your hero’s niche will make it more likely that he finds your piece interesting.
Key here is consistency.
As you know, high-profile people are usually busy so they don’t spend a whole lot of time on social platforms.
It may be that you uploaded a killer content but your hero was just to busy at that time and was not onine to see it.
Therefore, make sure you upload content consistently.
3. Reach out
Great! You’ve built some relation with your hero online.
Now it is time to reach out.
This is actually the easiest part assuming you did step 2 correctly.
Through the interaction you’ve had through posts, comments, and likes, he will no longer see you as an absolute stranger.
As long as you don’t screw up the message, there is little to no reason why he would ignore you or refuse to meet you.
The message should be simple and to the point.
Below is a message that I sent to one of my heroes.
Needless to say he accepted to meet me.
He is now one of my mentors who will recommend me to the 2021 batch of Forbes 30 under 30.
Hello Mr. OOO. My name is Saejong Lee. I am currently working as Project Manager at an IT firm in Japan. We never met in person but I added you on Facebook because I really enjoyed reading your posts. I specially enjoyed the article on OOO. The reason I reached out to you is to ask whether you would be free on the week of 23rd to see me. I would love to ask for your advice on a few projects that I am personally working on. Thank you for reading this message and hope you have a great evening. Saejong Lee
Using this message structure, I have never failed to meet any of my heroes face to face.
4. During the meeting
Awesome! This is what you were waiting for!
Don’t be nervous, this should be the most fun part.
First, do your research on your hero’s background.
If your hero is really famous, he might assume you already know some important facts about him.
Don’t make the mistake of having him discover that you know nothing about him.
Remember, these are prideful people. You don’t want to mess with their ego.
Now that you got that cleared out, next question is what should I talk about with him?
There are two topics of conversation that in my experience are fail proof.
Your passion and what you hope to achieve
Your Hero is probably successful because he overcame extreme obstacles to achieve his goal.
So he probably knows the struggle you are going through to achieve your own ambition.
If you are able to convey an endearing story of your dream, the steps you’ve taken to fulfill it, and the positive end result, I guarantee your hero will be hooked by the time you’re done.
He will be asking YOU questions.
The achievements of your hero
Remember what we mentioned above on the one need that even really successful people crave?
Yes, it is recognition.
It is time to fire up your communication skills and subtly touch on some of your hero’s key achievements.
Contextual questions, such as “what do you think was key to driving that outcome?”, “how were you able to make such a bold decision?” “why do you think things turned out the way they did?” work well.
You could also toss a few questions such as “what did you find most challenging while pursing OOO?”, “What did you learn from the experience?”.
Make sure, however, that you don’t push too far.
The last thing you want to be remembered as is an annoying creepy stalker.
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These are the relation building tactics that I’ve used to land amazing opportunities, and now I want you to do the same!
As always, reach out to me if you have any questions or comments!